H. Alan Scott

Movie Trailers Translated: June 22, 2012

BRAVE

Man with funny accent opens it up, so you know this is going to be epic.  Uh oh, it turns out that it’s just a little girl telling the story of her father.  Clearly she’s unique (and has amazing hair!).  Then Mom chimes in, “A lady enjoys elegant pursuits,” which really means this is going to be a mother-daughter “I’m my own woman-get out my way-BITCH” type character, to the mother’s angst (but not “NO WIRE HANGERS” levels of angst, this is Disney after all).  More mother daughter banter, until the daughter finds a magical glowing ball in the forest somewhere (modern day comparison: meth labs), which apparently gives her superhuman strengths (like meth) so she can fight a bear (which people on meth think they’re doing) and rip her clothes with her womanly muscles in one fell swoop.

Go see it? DUH, it’s Pixar!

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Johnny Cash opens it up, so obviously this is about dead people.  Then really pale people try each other and avoid massive fires (which coincidentally is very accurate for the time period of 1860’s U.S.).  Then Lincoln comes in with an ax and a horse and cuts the sh*t out of some vampires (and trees, lots of trees).

Go see it? Vampires + Abraham Lincoln = immediately going to Fandango.com

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

So Steve Carrel is playing Steve Carell.  And then Keira Knightley appears like she did Love, Actually, looking so perfect yet weird and totally in need of a burger.  Over all this “The world is ending but I’m still going to be emotional and relevant” music plays, including some white people dancing.  Then Patton Oswalt shows up and all is well with the world.  That is, until, well, the world ends.  So Keira Knightley cries, and smokes, looks quietly at Steve Carrell saying with her eyes, “Why am I in this movie, I’ve actually been nominated for an Oscar.” 

Go see it? Stream it 6 months!

To Rome With Love

Rome, Rome, Rome, funny accents, Rome, Rome, Rome.  Then famous people talk to each other and act like they aren’t famous, yet are surprisingly just like their famous selves.  Penelope Cruz wears a tiny dress too. 

Go see it? Of course, it’s Woody Allen!